Year In Review

A rather forthright friend just spent a chunk of time reading through all of my 2008 blog posts. He suggested I change the name or at least add a subtitle because it is “neither about music nor about your life!” Hmph. That had me glancing through this year’s prose, being reminded of what a full scene this act of the musical was.

When 2008 began, I was nursing my baby-child and completely and utterly sleep-deprived. It was not a pretty picture. By early spring the sleep deprivation began to manifest itself in (greater) forgetfulness and disorganization; I’m afraid this hasn’t gotten any better. Wallet - lost, replaced, currently lost. Keys - lost, found, currently lost. Wedding Ring - lost, replaced, found original, both currently lost. Depressing, I tell you.

Late spring brought two events that are highlights in my year. First, a trip to New York for the Women in Ministry conference and some fabulous sight-seeing. Second, a trip to the Pepperdine lectures with my mom. I love, love traveling and these fun exertions gave me a much needed boost.

Summer brought activity and energy and excitement! All of my family together for the first time in years...PUMP Summer Program with its amazing kids, loving youth groups, and fantastic interns...a car accident...a beach trip with my three dear childhood friends...the Olympics!...FaithQuest...The Luis Palau Festival at Portland’s waterfront...a beach get-away with the family...good times.

Early fall seemed to be all about politics and back to school and picture taking (our favorite photo time of the year). I also had the great opportunity to take a month sabbatical, where I spent time reflecting, rejuvenating, and talking with my family and my God. But late fall had very difficult parts to it...Cascade College announcing its impending closure...three little girls I know having terrible, frightening diseases...a baby having surgery on his skull...financial troubles for friends...unexpected death. It has been a season of prayer and reflection.

A monumental personal event of the year, though, happens today for me - this last day of 2008. As of midnight, I will no longer be employed by the PUMP Church of Christ, but will now minister again as a volunteer. This is the church that the Lord led us to plant with six amazing people at the beginning of this decade. I’ve been on staff for seven-and-a-half years, wearing more hats than I could describe.
I absolutely love this ministry. I love my friends in this church family and those in the community who do not yet know about the hope found in Christ. I love the amazing work that PUMP has done for so many hundreds of children, adults, and families, and I love the dream of who PUMP can still be under the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

What’s to come in 2009? I can’t imagine. But, with my family, friends, and Lord with me, I am content in heart as I watch the clock strike midnight to see what happens next.

Walking With Others Through Storms

There have been joys this week in my 2nd grader's grand performance as an evil stepsister in their class version of Cinderella, dressing up with the kids for Halloween, and using our fireplace for the first time this fall. This is a period, though, marked with great loss and sadness. Heartache has come in many forms for my friends and family this week:

Family having to unexpectedly move from their home.

A friend leaving her ministry & dream because of the sin of another.

The baby of friends having to endure medical procedures in anticipation of an upcoming traumatic surgery.

An entire region losing an institution that serves as a cornerstone; friends losing their home, college & stability; friends anticipating being unemployed.

A sweet, adorable little friend beginning the fight with a terrible disease.

A friend losing her sister in an unexpected death.

It is often hard to know how to minister to people who are experiencing grief and loss, especially when their hurt cuts deeply into your own heart. With good intentions, people often say hurtful things. Or out of fear of saying something wrong, some say nothing at all. Here are some ideas for ministry to those whose who are hurting.

DO:

• acknowledge the pain or loss with a card, call, or letter (which can be re-read during hard times).
• make specific offers for assistance (e.g. picking up groceries while you're at the store, helping write a resume, or taking the kids for an evening).
• be supportive of the difficult decisions they are making.
• pray. Telling someone that you are praying for them is another way of saying you care.
• tell them that they are doing a good job managing their situation.
• feel free to cry with the person.
• simply say "I am so sorry."
• allow them to talk about their situation at their own pace. Be a good listener.
• simply sit with the person or offer some other action of support like a hug or squeeze of the arm. Words are not always necessary.
• remember painful holidays.
• remember that the pain will likely be long-lasting and nothing you say will make the pain go away.

DON'T:

• avoid the person because you don't know what to say.
• say "I know how you feel". This time is about the other person, not about you.
• tell depressing stories, even if they relate to the loss.
• say "It's God's will" or "It's a good thing" or "You can [have another child, go on to another ministry, go to a different college]".
  
• say "Don't cry" or "Be brave" or "You are so strong", which may cause the person to repress their feelings. They likely do not feel strong or brave.
  
• blame or say things that might be construed as blame.
• use platitudes or cliches, such as "Time heals all wounds" or "Everything will be o.k." It most definitely does not feel like things will be o.k. They need to be given the permission and space to grieve.
  

Let's all take a deep breath, praise the Lord for today, and walk hand in hand through these difficult times.

[some of these ideas come from Delores Kuenning's "Helping People Through Grief"]

A Note to My Father

Wow, Lord, this has been a doozy of a week so far, and it's only Wednesday morning. I have started a number of second sentences to this note to You, but the words of our language keep falling short of expressing what I want to say. So, I'll start with what I know. I know you are perfect. I know you are strong and majestic and full of mercy and grace. I know you love - you are love. There is no end to your care and love for us. Thank you. Thank you for knowing us. Thank you for drawing us near, even when we arch our backs & pull away like a toddler trying to get away from the protective arms of a parent or when we hide away and pretend that we are alone. I praise you today for your goodness, for your grace, for your patience. I praise you. All that I know to be true.

My heart literally hurts today, Lord. With each beat there is an accompanying ache. I notice my breathing today, almost like I need to remind myself to take in the vital air. As I do, I breathe in your Spirit. I fill my chest and my heart and my soul with your Spirit, whose very job description is to guide and bring peace. That is what I so need today. I need guidance. I need peace. Where should my steps take me? Show me. Move my feet for me. How should my hands minister? Guide me. Allow me to touch, to call, to love with you as my puppet master, reaching out as you see best. How should I implore to you? Use the Spirit to hear the cries of my heart and those of my dear friends who are hurting so profoundly today. Fill in the words that do not come.

There is a lot of confusion around us right now; there is so much we don't know. Once again, as I get caught up in just thinking about those questions, I have to remind myself to breathe. To breathe in your Spirit and your peace. You are the constant. You are the one that will never change. When all else is chaos, you are the peace. So I rest in your peace today and I hand over my pain. Through loss, heartache, and pain, your strength will be made evident. Be glorified, Lord. We love you and want to honor you today with our heartache.

Your humble daughter

Hello, my name is blog.

A new friend of mine was talking to an old friend of mine about me recently. My old friend was liberal with his generosity as he described his perception of who I am and the friendship we shared (he has selective memory issues). The most interesting point he made, though? He stated that he has gotten to know me best through...you ready for this?...my blog. This weekend when my father-in-law was discussing our blogs with Allan and I, he pointed out how he is often surprised at the level of personal revelation I make. And, just this evening, another friend revealed that his wife is "lurker" of this site, enjoying the opportunity to get to know more about my life.

I find those comments interesting. Is it okay that someone feels like the best way to know me is through their computer? There are many discussions online about this topic. I'm curious what you think. Can you get to know someone through a blog or do you have to have face to face interactions for it to be an authentic relationship? Do you find it easier or more difficult to express yourself in this format? What about it is so appealing to some - the perceived anonymity? the opportunity for a stage without interruption? the ability to make a false front?

Talk amongst yourselves.

BFF: Thirty-something Years & Counting

Growing up can be tough. There is learning to share, surviving mean teachers, managing arguments with peers and siblings, and the dreaded teasing and playground politics. Then comes puberty - navigating fashion trends, enduring new and frightening hormones, and all those important firsts: first bra, first period, first major crush. A little later and there's discovering a personal faith, fighting body image issues, relating with parents, learning to drive. Which job? Which college? Which sports? Which boy? Which party? Which standards?

Three people in particular helped me navigate these years. Our friendship started early in elementary school, and we stayed close by each others sides until we donned our caps & gowns. Through those turbulent years of childhood and adolescence, these girls had more influence on making me who I am than anyone else outside of my immediate family. And their influence? Golden. Godly. Strong. Feminine. So very, very funny.

One evening in early 1990, we sat on the beach in our cheerleading uniforms and dreamed of our future, which included a white picket fence in front of all four of our houses, all lined up in a row; our children were to grow up together and marry each other. It was to be quite idyllic.


We spent this last weekend together, close to that same beach. This was the very first time that the four of us had gotten together by ourselves since high school. We came with a little bit of nerves and a whole lot of excitement (and Three Amigos!).

Our high school dream didn't, or at least hasn't, worked out. But reality hasn't turned out too bad. All four of us still live in the Northwest. We all entered into the helping professions - social work, teaching, nursing, and counseling. We all four are married to wonderful, Godly men. So far, there are ten children (six boys, four girls - so we'll need to figure out that arranged marriage thing) who are healthy and bright and beautiful. And most importantly, we are all still deeply in love with Jesus.

Friendships really do make a difference. If you have children, involve yourself in their peer relationships from an early age. Guide them, as much as you are able, to friendships that are positive and will lead them closer to the Lord. I would not be the ____ (amazing? fabulous? insert positive adjective here) person I am today without these three girls walking alongside me for so many years.

Prayer Cloud

Allan introduced us to Wordle, a site that allows one to create beautiful word clouds. It is cool how random words can be used to make an artistic and interesting creation. These were some of the topics that I took to God in prayer this week.

I Choose

I internally cringe when people complain about how busy they are, and I give myself no exception to the rule. Because, in my book, people are busy because they choose to be busy.

I am SO busy right now. You would be appalled if you saw the living room in which I sit at this moment. A tornado could not dispense a greater disaster within these walls. I chose not to go to lunch with friends after church and instead am choosing to take a few minutes to jot a note before I take nap in order to be better functioning for two long meetings this afternoon (one is a "choice language" training!).But I do not complain about my schedule, because I love this season.

I choose this...

and this...



and this...


and as much of this as I can get...

No More Good-byes

I'm sick of saying "good-bye". In the past couple of years we have sent friends to live all over the world. With dear family living in Texas, Colorado, Indiana, and Uganda is seems we are saying our good-byes just moments after we have greeted with hugs and hellos. This week we had to do the dreaded deed once again. We are sending our good friends, Tim & Cheryl, Rylee, Skyler, & Kendall, back to their other home in New Mexico. It really stinks.

This is another reason why I am looking forward to heaven with such great anticipation - no more "good-bye"! Won't that be great?? We just get to hang with our friends and family, laughing and joking and bantering and generally having a great time together. I don't know, though - Tim & Cheryl may get us into some trouble up there. We'll have to see.

I'll be seeing you guys at Pepperdine next week, and then two weeks later spending some good girl time in New York with Cheryl, so I guess this doesn't really count as a good-bye this week. Right? In honor of some of my biggest laughs this year, Cheryl, I'll translate for you:

Ill be see'n you guys at Pepperdine N-to-tha-izzext week, n then two weeks lata spend'n some good girl tizzy in New York wit Cheryl, so I guess this doesnt really count as a good-bye this week. Riznight?*

And while you are getting settled in NM, don't forget to unpack your Business Socks! Love you guys!

* http://gizoogle.com

On Turning Five

No more four year old going to bed now! Connor proudly declared a few minutes ago. Clearly age five takes one well beyond the realm of "little boy". We had a great day of celebration for this important milestone. I'm sure Connor would tell you that his favorite part of the day was getting a new train (or two or three) for his Thomas collection or maybe it was seeing the amazing Thomas cake that Grammy made. He thoroughly enjoyed his party with more than a dozen friends, playing games and being as loud and rowdy as our little living room could handle. One part of the party that I surprisingly enjoyed was Connor opening his gifts. This was not the greedy free-for-all of tearing through paper and ribbons to expose the latest and greatest worthless gadgets. Rather, from one family Connor received two trains which he had played with for the last few years at their house. The same was true for three cars given to him by another. His friends looked at their own things and chose with care what they knew Connor would love. It is a tradition that I think is worth perpetuating. The other especially meaningful part of the day happened before the cake and presents. We asked the kids to answer one question - What is something that you like or love about Connor? I was touched as his friends each in turn shared a simple way in which Connor is a blessing. I like how Connor is funny! I love that Connor is smart and lovable. I like how Connor shares his trains and his birthday cake! Connor is nice - he's my friend. I like Connor's eyes. Those are some insightful children! How right they are on all accounts.

Happy 5th Birthday, Connor - I love you more each day.

I Am Artist

The art gene runs true and strong in my husband's family. Allan's father and his father's father were recognized talents in the field, as is Allan and his brother. That particular stream runs a bit more shallow in my family - only my mom and brother Steve can claim to have the artist's touch.

That is until I was forced encouraged by my peers to find my inner Martha Stewart. There's a bunch of girls at PUMP who are naturals at all things sponge painting, stamping, scrapbooking, and Michael's craft store. The first several years we were together for Mom's Group or a women's evening out, I would stare in misery at whatever craft project lay before us. The choices of patterns and colors and where to place the ribbon was always enough to send me into a cold sweat. I really don't enjoy the feeling of complete incompetence.

Fast forward to today...This crafty mama convert elaborately designs and creates cards and books, sketches in charcoal and pencil, paints ceramics (see photo - the bowl I brought home today), and can bravely and boldly (okay - maybe it's still timidly) declare myself "artist". So I raise my ceramic painted mug to my friends for encouraging me to stretch into a new and unknown world.

Question #5

Who do you love?

When you think about them you smile. Love them. And be loved.

That's a pretty big question, given that our English language has so many varied meanings for love, but I'll give it a go...I love my husband - the man whom holds me back from the brink of insanity (and who painted ceramics with me on our date night tonight!). I love my children - and my almost child and any children the Lord might put in our future. I love my parents, brothers & their families, all those Cash people, and anyone else who is or would like to be related to us (because, you know, everyone should want to be related to us). I love PUMP and all the children and adults who have walked through the doors of our little dream. I love the people of Uganda whom I briefly have known. I love all the people of Scotland - whom I consider my extended family. I love the Trailblazers. I love the people of the Northwest - with our relaxed attitudes, pioneer spirit, environmental passion, and great sense of style (okay, three out of four isn't bad). I love my friends - those from my childhood who loved me through the bad haIr years, fits of jealousy, cheerleading tryouts, boy obsessions, and body image issues, and those from more recently who have loved me through pregnancies, motherhood traumas, identity crises, spiritual battles, and body image issues (still??).

There's a whole lotta love going on.

Good Day

Today started out by dispersing my children to various friends' homes, so this mom could have some friend time, too! **Thanks to Erika, Sarah S., & Suzy!!** Kenli, Casey, and I finally made that super important trek to the new Portland mecca, a.k.a. Ikea. I'm not sure it is very good store for me and my pursuit of contentment, but it's fun to peruse and dream! Next we picked up A'Doisha and headed out for the capital of Oregon - no, not Salem - the Nike campus! After some giddy interactions with large, worn-out basketball shoes and talk of Steve Prefontaine, Alberto Salazaar, Nolan Ryan and the like, we headed over to the employee store - thanks to A'Doisha's dad. One oversized load of Nike gear later, we went for icing on the cake. Tattoos and Piercings. What?? Yep, I watched one good friend get a tasteful Trinity-knot tat on her foot and another get a lovely miniature diamond in her nose. I won't tell you that the only reason I didn't get a tattoo was because the guy couldn't get the picture right, and I would have gotten a second post in one ear had we had more time. Mid-life crisis at 35 or just relaxing a bit in life? Verdict's still out.

Reunited at Last

This week a good friend of mine came home after a long separation. I didn't realize quite how much I missed her until we were together again. Then a lifetime of memories and emotions came flooding back. My friend was my therapist for many years - especially helping me sort through the tumultuous emotions that accompanied my teen years. How many of my tears have fallen on her? Too many to count. I learned dedication and discipline from time spent with my friend. I was sometimes frustrated after our time together, but I was always drawn back for more.

My friend lived in my parents' house most of my growing up years, so we knew each other well. But she was kind of a "foster" to our family; the original family just wasn't in a place to give the her the care and space she needed. A few years ago I was a bit heartbroken when the grandkids of the original family decided it was time for my friend to move in with them. After so many years? How can you take her away - all the way across the country? My pangs of sadness were accompanied by splashes of guilt since I hadn't spent much time with her since I moved out. Isn't that how we are sometimes? We take friends for granted.

Recently, though, the original family grandkids asked Allan and I if we would now take my friend into our home as "fosters"; they will be leaving the country and it really isn't reasonable to take her along. Of course! Of course! So yesterday my friend came home. Getting her settled into this house was not an easy task, but it was well worth the pain and even some temporary damage. It was a joy to introduce Trinity to my friend. I was very surprised when she and I were able to pick up pretty much right where we left off. Good friendships are like that.

We had a really nice 4th of July. Having it on Wednesday was a nice bonus since it made it seem like we only had a two-day work week!

First we enjoyed going to see Ratatouille, the newest Pixar creation. My expectations were pretty low going into it - I mean, how good could a movie be that highlights a rat chef? It was really, really cute! It was a nice, pleasant movie that our whole family could enjoy together.

We spent the evening at the Outlaw family's annual celebration. After a fire destroyed their home out in the boon-docks north of Washougal last year, they got their place rebuilt just in time for the 4th party. Their fireworks display was as good as many town fireworks shows! The highlight of the day for me was getting to hang out with Lezlie, my dear childhood friend. She's more lovely than ever. It was special to watch our two daughters, born just one day apart, shyly and sweetly get acquainted.