Walking With Others Through Storms

There have been joys this week in my 2nd grader's grand performance as an evil stepsister in their class version of Cinderella, dressing up with the kids for Halloween, and using our fireplace for the first time this fall. This is a period, though, marked with great loss and sadness. Heartache has come in many forms for my friends and family this week:

Family having to unexpectedly move from their home.

A friend leaving her ministry & dream because of the sin of another.

The baby of friends having to endure medical procedures in anticipation of an upcoming traumatic surgery.

An entire region losing an institution that serves as a cornerstone; friends losing their home, college & stability; friends anticipating being unemployed.

A sweet, adorable little friend beginning the fight with a terrible disease.

A friend losing her sister in an unexpected death.

It is often hard to know how to minister to people who are experiencing grief and loss, especially when their hurt cuts deeply into your own heart. With good intentions, people often say hurtful things. Or out of fear of saying something wrong, some say nothing at all. Here are some ideas for ministry to those whose who are hurting.

DO:

• acknowledge the pain or loss with a card, call, or letter (which can be re-read during hard times).
• make specific offers for assistance (e.g. picking up groceries while you're at the store, helping write a resume, or taking the kids for an evening).
• be supportive of the difficult decisions they are making.
• pray. Telling someone that you are praying for them is another way of saying you care.
• tell them that they are doing a good job managing their situation.
• feel free to cry with the person.
• simply say "I am so sorry."
• allow them to talk about their situation at their own pace. Be a good listener.
• simply sit with the person or offer some other action of support like a hug or squeeze of the arm. Words are not always necessary.
• remember painful holidays.
• remember that the pain will likely be long-lasting and nothing you say will make the pain go away.

DON'T:

• avoid the person because you don't know what to say.
• say "I know how you feel". This time is about the other person, not about you.
• tell depressing stories, even if they relate to the loss.
• say "It's God's will" or "It's a good thing" or "You can [have another child, go on to another ministry, go to a different college]".
  
• say "Don't cry" or "Be brave" or "You are so strong", which may cause the person to repress their feelings. They likely do not feel strong or brave.
  
• blame or say things that might be construed as blame.
• use platitudes or cliches, such as "Time heals all wounds" or "Everything will be o.k." It most definitely does not feel like things will be o.k. They need to be given the permission and space to grieve.
  

Let's all take a deep breath, praise the Lord for today, and walk hand in hand through these difficult times.

[some of these ideas come from Delores Kuenning's "Helping People Through Grief"]

Sad News

Terrible, tragic news from the home of Steven Curtis Chapman, one of the most recognized Christian artists and an amazing advocate for international adoption. His oldest son accidently ran over & killed their youngest daughter (pictured seated on SCC's lap) today.

Let It Snow

I've been in a bit of a funk for a little while now. Holiday blues? No - this season brings me great joy. Post-partum hormonal fluctuations? Probably some. Sleep interruptions? Undoubtedly. One contributing factor has been snow. No, we haven't had any, that's true. I think tonight we are supposed to get blown out to the ocean with the newest storm. But no snow here. It's the stories I've been hearing coming out of the snow that make me melancholy.

I have resisted writing about the Kim family trauma as those of us on the West Coast have been saturated by the minute-by-minute accounts. For those of you in a far-off land, like Uganda or Texas, here's the story... A cute little family from San Fransisco went missing en route from Thanksgiving in Seattle back home via the Oregon coast. For nine days while stuck in the snow on an old washed-out logging road, mom kept her four-year-old and seven-month-old going by nursing them, even as she got weaker. After doing what they could to stay alive, including burning the car's tires, dad finally went out searching for help. The girls were rescued and for days we all hoped he would be, too. They have figured that he hiked for sixteen miles in the snow before finally dying of hypothermia. He was a true man, a hero to be sure, doing what he could to protect and save his wife and children. This story struck a painful spot in the collective hearts of our region.

Currently there is another snow adventure gone terribly wrong; one whose details resemble a picture that could belong to our own family, even as the Kim's story "could have been us". Even now searchers are desperately aching for a clearing in the weather to seek three climbers who have been lost on Mt. Hood for over a week. What a hard Christmas this will be for their families.

I don't have a great spiritual application to make of this. There's no neat little bow to tie together at the end. I know that there are risks in life - choosing to embrace those risks are what makes this a great adventure. I know life is short, which is why we need to live it to the fullest each day ("being ready" as I read in Mark today). I know and believe whole-heartedly that this life is not where it's at or what it's all about; we're just visiting until we can get home to heaven. I'm just a little sad as I read the paper these days, and I wanted to tell you about it.